Prison

Excited about hanging with some of my new actor friends tonight.

Really gotta focus on learning my lines for my current play. Ugh.

Eczema is acting up again, but think I caught it in time. Already looks and somewhat feels better.

Been bored at work. Mainly chatting on FB and bidding on action figs on Ebay.  Shouldnt complain i guess.

Haven't taken my meds in 3 days now. Starting to notice the effects. It's nice to actually feel emotions again. I forget how good the rage and emptiness feel because the usual numbness takes their place.
I'm sure that I'll take them again soon. I have to after all, don't I?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

This week my emotions have ranged from frustrated to depressed to angered to relieved.

It concerns me that I have so quickly grown accustomed to talking / chattng / texting / e-mailing with Jen.  Thankfully both of us realize that we share a deep lonliness and have endured much pain.  So it's possible that this connection that we both feel can be explained by that.

But what's if there's more to it?

In 12 days I will see her for the first time in 20 years. I play various scenarios in my head of what that first meeting will be like. 

There is the "running through the airport to sweep her up in my arms" scene.
Knowing how she prefers to not display affection in public, there is the "nervously friendly hug" scene.
There is the "look in her eyes, wait until I get you alone" scene.

Whatever happens I am really looking forward to spending time with her.  For the first time in years I am experiencing that feeling of someone else wanting to be with me and thinking about me.

So just got back from seeing the new Friday the 13th.  I have actually seen all of the previous "13th" movies.  Original one is probably the best of them all, but such is usually the case with sequels and remakes.

I laughed my ass off and/or cheered at every stabbing, machette chop, or other method Jason used to dispatch the stereotypical batch of teens.

I could hear people around me squeal or jump at various moments.  I wonder what that feels like.   I imagine there is a rush of adrenaline to prepare for the fight or flight response.  For some of them, does it go beyond the typical rollercoaster thrill?  Do they feel at risk?  Will nightmares plague their dreams tonight?

The few times I have had what I guess would be considered nightmares, I awoke and felt exhilirated.

Is there something out there that could actually frighten me?  Perhaps, but I have yet to encounter it.

I truly miss writing in this blog.  Recently I've become a bit obsessed with Facebook and have concentrated much time there.

(sneers) Facebook

It really is a location where people only dare put their best "face" on for all to see.  From nowhere all of a sudden people (I won't call them friends) from high school have shown up and friended me.  For 99% of them, adding me to their "count" seems sufficient, and I honestly don't care.

There are a rare few whose lives and postings I am actually interested in.  For those few, I am thankful that we found one another.

There is one in particular -- let's call her "Jen." 

While in high school both of us freely admit that we likely never said more than a few sentences to one another.  It wasn't because of any dislike or malice, but you simply dont end up being friends with everyone.

I find myself drawn to get to know her better.  She is one of thoe rare people that has no agenda, no reason to deceive me.

I'm sure I shall have much more to write later and I look forward to it. :-)

So think it's been about 2+ months since I wrote anything. Part of it was the fact that I "upgraded" to IE8 beta something, which hosed many web apps. But another part was the fact that I had no desire to write anything.

There are times when I truly hate my existence and tonight is one of them.  For anyone else, a night of camradere, drinking with co-workers might leave you with a sense of belonging.

For me, it's exactly the opposite.  It reminds me of just how alone I am. How alien these humans are to me.

I wonder how many award-winning actors actually have Aspergers Syndrome.  Every interaction feels like I'm reciting lines from a play.

This week people asked me to "friend" them via a facebook or myspace page. Sure I have accounts at them, but how could I ever post anything real? They would run in terror.

Ugh. F them all.

So for the past 2 weeks Ive been chatting with this girl online. "Met" her at one of the more disreptuable online dating sites.

28. Married.  And like all such "tragic tales," unsatisfied by her husband -- who she loves, btw.  Disgusting.

At first I'm excited by the attention, and the "naughty" emails and IMs she sends.  Without going into gross detail, basically this week we were actually going to meet and "complete the transaction," as it were.

But then I scuttled the whole thing. (more on that in a bit)

First, she said things like "I want to be spoiled."  Spoiled, how, I asked?

Oh, dinners, flowers, paying for her gas!  WTF?!?  I mean, if I offer to pay for something, it's because I actually want to.  But for someone who I havent even met to insist on gifts ... FUCK THAT!

So that was strike one.

Strike two came when she'd began to use words like "hon, babe, dear" etc.    Uh-uh.  Not cool.

And then the more I thought about it, the less I actually cared about the "deed" itself.  The chase was much more interesting and now that that was bascially over, the physical act would almost be a let down.   By this morning I made the decision to abandon this effort, but now I needed to get rid of her.  No.  I needed HER to never want to contact me again.  But how?

I think my solution is a testament to:  1. Just how deviously imaginative I can sometimes be.   2. The gullability of humans.
I kind of feel like Capt Kirk when he cheated his way into winning the Kobayashi Maru test.

So I composed the following email and sent it this morning:

Well Amy, this experiment of mine has come to an end.  I won't be contacting you again after this and I'll ask that you do not try to contact me. Your profile is already blocked.

You see, "Dave" doesn't really exist.  Well, okay, he does actually exist in that the picture of him is real and  he does actually live in West Chester.  But the "real Dave" has no idea who you are. That isn't really his profile. -- it's one I made up for purposes of my test. He doesn't really own the Yahoo account I've created. That isn't his cell phone number.

Who I am doesn't matter. What matters is that you have helped me in my research into creating realistic online characters and fantasies. Someday this work may be turned into an online game or virtual reality-type environment. Your fantasies have fallen into the categories of: bondage, extra-marital affair, rough sex, multiple partners, bi-sexual and domination.

I imagine you may be upset or feel that you have been tricked. Unfortunately, that is the nature of experiments. The subject cannot know that he or she is being studied or that taints the results.

To reassure you, all pictures you sent have already been deleted. Your name and location have been removed from my research, leaving no possibility to ever identify you.

So thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Miranda

So is what I did cruel?  I honestly don't think so, although I imagine others might.

In fact, I think I deserve a "commendation for original thinking."   That scenario is outrageous enough to be plausible and in fact, similar research studies have taken place on Teh Interwebs already.

Oh well.






 

So based on Liath's comment that she's been scoring high on some online tests, I've been messing around with various online "aspie" tests. Aspie is the nickname for those with Asperger syndrome. Below are my resuls for one particular test.

Not sure how to feel about the results. Relieved? Surprised? Curious? Maybe that's one of the clearest indications of them all -- that I'm basically indifferent about the possibility that I might have this condition.

Your Aspie score: 144 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 59 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie



 

 So I've been meeting with my new therapist for about a month now. She's pretty cool so far. At least with her I've discussed things that I didnt with the last therapist.  For example:

I count things -- constantly.  Letters on a sign. The number of panes on a window. Steps on a staircase. Buttons on a jacket.  Honestly I never gave it much thought until recently.  I figured that everyone did that, until I heard some medical-type radio commercial where the announcer said "do you find yourself constantly counting things?"  
Not quite sure what, if anything, it means.

Today I talked about the incident with my aunt "scolding" me while I was home for my birthday last month. I mentioned it because I wondered if it was unusual that I felt no remorse at all.  Honestly I was more annoyed that my aunt basically had to ask my mom's permission to chastise me.  Sure I can understand the concept of why my aunt was hurt.  But I dont feel any empathy.

So my therapist mentioned asperger's syndrome.  I had heard the term, but didnt know what it was, so she said I should research it.  Quite interesting.  Many of the symptoms fit me perfectly.  To quote one article:

People with AS develop language normally, but often have difficulty with social interactions, fine and gross motor coordination, and eye contact. They may be extremely passionate about just one or two topics, with little patience for small talk. They also may struggle to handle normal daily activities, such as organizing time, managing conflict, or even facing the sensory overload presented by malls and grocery stores. Adults with AS may appear painfully shy, or they may be extremely outgoing - sometimes to the point of being "in your face." That's because people with AS often misinterpret social interaction. Questions they may ask themselves: How far away do I stand from another person? How long can I talk about my favorite subject? What's the right answer to "how are you?"

Obviously now I'm curious if this is something that could explain how I've always felt -- disconnected, few friends, shy, aloof.

Something to explore more with my therapist and something I'll discuss with psychiatrist next month too.

So work buddy and I went out Friday. He occasionally promotes various parties around the city and does a good job of it. 

Basically we were at this one club from 9 pm until 2:30 am.  I hung out with some girls (friends of his) I had met at a prevous event. When they learned it was my birthday this past Tuesday, they bought me drinks and shots.

I connected with one that I hadnt met before -- Charissa (rhymes with Teresa). Very cute. Fun. I was getting all of the signals that she might be interested in me. We danced together. She would always tell me if she was going to another part of the bar and grab me by the hand to lead me with her. We went outside and smoked (well, she did) together.  She also made sure that we exchanged numbers.

So you'd expect that I'd be thrilled, right?

Well, I was.

Until I texted her and have gotten no reply at all. So I'll fruitlessly wait a few more days, try to call and expect the same result.

Oh how He loves to twist that knife in my heart.  I hate You with every scrap of my twisted soul stuffed into this meat bag.

So I went home for my mandatory yearly visit to the parents' places.  In year's past I used to enjoy going home. Of course, that was when I was still in the military and such trips truly were a vacation. Back then I still had friends from high school to hang out with. Basically, bygone halcyon days.

Now when I go home -- to either parent's house -- all I see are ghosts from the past. Old photos. Military memorabilia. Old house we used to live in. My mom handing me two giant photo albums of my infant / early years.  Seriously.

I've been the "dark horse" of the clan for some time now, based on the fact that I'm the only one who doesn't live nearby or come to visit routinely.  My aunt took this opportunity to basically bitch me out for not sending a card/gift to her daughter (my cousin) when she got married last year.  I found it amusing that she couldn't even look me in the eye as she scolded me -- such is the discomfort and awkwardness they feel when talking about anything "personal."

I basically shrugged.  I know there is this "expected" behavior people are supposed to adhere to. Most of it is caused by guilt. Since there is little to nothing I feel guilty about, I cannot relate to or empathize with them.  Since they have need to rationalize my lack of caring, they chalk it up to simply selfishness. Fine.  I feel no need to correct them.

So tomorrow is my birthday. I plan to spend it finding a new therapist.  I'm not sure if that's particularly pathetic or just practical.

So went to party last night with my improv associates -- was a lot of fun. Guy who hosted, Dan, had an incredible apartment in Olde City, plus it was First Friday, which I think means everyone comes out to party.

Met cute girl there, Cynthia, a friend of two of the girls I was in improv with. She seemed interested, but how the F should I know?  She's got my numbers. I emailed one of the improv girls that brought her saying that I thought Cynthia was cute, so who knows? I learned awhile ago not to get any hopes started.

Going out tonight with Amy -- 23-yr-old semi-retarded chick. She's not bright at all, but sex is guaranteed, so that's something I guess. 

 Clicky here

WWFSMD?

 

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake yeah!

 So yesterday I took a chance -- one I had been debating for a long time. 

I was torn between the regret of never saying anything, and the potential regret I'd feel if I hurt this person. It felt like taking the Kobayashi Maru in Star Trek II where there isn't any way to win.

It feels like I did the right thing and right now that's all I have to go on.

So I'm in downtown NYC when this alien invasion occurs. Think the movie Cloverfield, but with multiple much smaller beings.

Typical destruction, people fleeing and hiding.  We don't see what the aliens look like.

I'm hiding in the subway with a bunch of other people, when I find 6 dice on the ground.  As I pick them up, I immediately know that these are no ordinary dice -- they are semi-sentient and part of the alien invasion, only they are "good."  I can make the dies stick together in various shapes, but mostly I keep them arranged in a circle around my right hand, sort of like brass knuckles.

With the dice, I can fight off and kill the aliens by thinking about what I want, but I have to keep the fact that I have them secret so others won't try to take them from me. 

The climactic battle nears as the mother ship hovers overhead.  My few dice don't have enough power to stop it.  On the ground I notice dozens of dies and begin attracting them to my current set.  Soon I have I block of around 75 of them. People have started to notice me magically moving these dice around now.

I hurl all of the energy from my dice-cube at the ship and destroy it.  Drained of their power, the dice fall away until I'm left with my original 6.

In celebration, I decide to go see a live performance of Jerry Seinfeld (which somehow hasn't been cancelled due to alien invasion.)  I don't have a ticket but I realize that I can still use my 6 dice to influence the doorman to let me in.

I sit near the front next to an attractive Asian girl, wearing silver glitter nail polish with purple stones in the center of her nails. For some reason I tell her that I'm 15 years old, while she is probably 29-32 ish. We flirt shamelessly.

Howard Stern is the opening act and he bombs and can't remember his jokes.  Seinfeld takes a seat in the audience in front of me.

The scene switches and I'm walking through the ruins of the subway where people have set up homes and shops.  I struggle through the mass of people in one section trying to sell me some sort of religious charms, statues.  I use the dice to turn my eyes glowing red and let out an inhuman roar.  They scatter. 

Back at street level, I see that the dice I once used have split open to reveal tiny one-foot tall aliens -- in detective hats and trenchcoats as their disguises, which apparently work since no one is noticing them.

End of dream as my tiny cat Anna lies on my chest looking for attention.

Yeah, my reaction to dreams like these is typically "Where the fuck did THAT come from?"  but because they aren't uncommon, I don't dwell on why I had these dreams.  I just enjoy the ride.

Just vague images from this morning's dream.

The non-attached garage at the house we lived at in Oxford, PA was on fire and I was attempting to put it out with a garden hose.

Neighbor's house is already on fire and it travelled to our garage.

I start to notice flames peeking out the top of our roof now and I aim the hose up there.

All I can think about is getting the cats out safely.

Okay, so obviously I'm not naive enough to ever believe the cosmos is "fair" but sometimes I think it goes out of its way to show just how unfair it can be.

Tonight a co-worker and I went to a Sixers basketball game -- my first basketball game ever.  We had a good time, although after attending I have no desire to ever pay for such an event.

Afterwards, he wants to go out, so we head to one of his girlfriend's apartments so he can change.  I say "one of" because my friend has at least 3 that I am aware of.  Each of them believes they are the only girl in his life.

I've met Girlfriend Prime once before and she seemed very nice.  Tonight I met Girlfriend Deuce, and of course she also was attractive and very nice.

It goes without saying that I'm expected to behave around them as if I know nothing about my friend's other significant others. 

Now I don't expect anything else, but sometimes it hurts when the universe smacks you in the face like this. When you'd give anything for a single companion who wanted to be with you and yet, the humans are genetically disposed to abhore such an event when it comes to me.  And then you see someone who abuses that trust with no consequences at all.

I truly hate them all.